I Admit It~I Am A Wimp!

See these pretty little (wimpy) pansies? 

They are beautiful in their own delicate and fragile way.

I wonder if the Lord sometimes sees us in this way.

Just like a gardener nurtures and feeds and 

waters them to keep them alive and thriving ~

He does the same for us.

In our life we have been incredibly blessed in every way.  We know what makes us happy and try to live that plan, doing what we can with the choices we make.  Most days contain a lot of wonder and joy and plenty of great things.  We credit that to God's Plan of Happiness and we thrive on it.

This does not in any way negate that I know full well that adversity is on the horizon,  if I am not in the thick of it at any given moment.  I understand why we must have adversity and that it gives us strength and refinement.  It also makes us humble, a very necessary component to our spiritual growth and development.  It is a way of scraping off our prideful barnacles and that is so necessary. I know God's plan includes the exact things we need to give us the best possible chances of learning to rely fully on His grace.  Knowing this as I do, sometimes I am a wimp anyway....

When the hard times come it takes me a few days to adjust to the impact of it, to get my bearings and to step up to the plate.  The natural woman in me wants to head right into denial, push back against it and try to figure it out on my own.  When I am fumbling and bumbling around in it I get mad at myself for not being better at it.  In those moments I get upset about the situation, then I get crabby and become even more ineffective.  Being human makes us vulnerable.  That is exactly where satan wants us...at the point of feeling like giving up, losing some faith in Christ's care~that way the devil can have his way with us.

This is a pretty good rundown of what has happened inside of me the past four days.  I am so thankful Jim has had his surgery and that he is doing well.  It is nothing short of a miracle that he is healed of an infirmity that in another time and place would have put an end to his mobility and made it impossible for him to function as he loves so dearly.  Being on the go is his life line.

But in spite of knowing that, these past days I have been discouraged about the day to day of the recovery, the endless list of things I was doing all day long every day, not feeling adequate, knees hurting more than ever, and getting constant advise.   It is hard to see him in pain and suffering.  As most women tend to be, I just want to fix it and make it better and I want it yesterday.

I will say each day has gotten better as I have been more prepared to meet it.  It just takes me a few days to gather my wits and my tools, remember what I know, place my priorities in the right order and to let go of my pride that makes me want to be in control and a fixer.

This morning I woke up feeling more hopeful when I read this entry from a little book entitled Jesus Calling. I felt it was written for me to read on this exact day.  I am copying it here to share with you, in case you too may be looking for a way to deal with your own dose of adversity.

"I am calling you to a life of constant communication with Me.  
Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted.  But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world.  Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.

Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me.  A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day.  Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead ask for My Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me.

Pray Continually ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17
Proverbs 3:6  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight." 

(Jesus Calling, a little non-sectarian Christian devotional book that is also available at the app store for your mobile devices.)

This reminded me that my focus needs to be on prayer and not feeling I need to do the hard things alone.  It reminded me to do the best I can with faith in Christ and the rest will fall into place.  It reminded me that there are times when I need to set my fears and frustrations aside and just be in His presence fully. It raised my consciousness out of the day-to-day and reminded me we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience.  That sometimes that earthly experience is a hard one but I need to keep focused on my target.  It helped me recognize that the work of caring for a recovering patient is not the issue...the battle was going on inside of me.

Now I feel better equipped to let it go.  To let the Lord carry me through this and to feel of His comfort in the process.  It helps me lay this burden down at His feet as He has admonished me to do. It made me realize I am truly a wimp and need Him every hour.  It made me thankful to serve him and Him.  It restored my faith in God and myself to do this together.  His inspiration and my hands and heart.  It filled me with more charity and love and a desire to serve in the best way I can with a better attitude.

After all this is what adversity is for in the long run.  Helping us learn who we are, what our weaknesses are and how to improve and be strengthened with the Lord's help.  Why does it take me so many times to learn this and go with the will of the Lord for me no matter what it may be?  And then to be grateful for it all and for the loving family and friends that stand behind us and pray for both of us to come through this thing like a couple of rock stars.  With this particular adversity...one of us is most assuredly a rock star and the other one is in training and on the way.

Just after surgery in recovery=
Rock Star

Happy Hat back on=
Wimpy Pansy in Training...
(Soon to be Rock Starlet :-)

Courage That Inspires

Hazie waiting for the bus on her first day
of school this year! This was her first bus ride!

I just love this series of pictures. I don't know why exactly but they represent something special to me. They brought tears to my eyes as I looked at her sweet little face, so eager, so trusting, so ready to go! I have had to ponder this experience for days to better understand why it touched me so deeply.

Getting on the Big Yellow School Bus!
This little one that has never met a stranger!
She is trying to engage this man who seems
to be unaware he is in the presence of an angel!

And off she goes to school....
To life as a big girl.

Her first independent trip away from home, away from her family and into the unknown with a smile on her face. That is courage. That is inspiring. When I saw the back of that bus...I had to think of our own daughter, Hazie's Mom. Watching her little, almost four-year-old, take off with perfect strangers on her own for the first time.

There was her little precious girl, that she has nurtured and cared for in the extreme, with all of her spina bifida issues, knowing her and helping her like no one else but a mom could. The very act of letting Hazie get on that bus and go off on her own...that had to take courage, it had to be hard. That kind of maternal courage inspires me.

I remember when Jennifer went off to school, how I wept. That little person who shared my body before birth and my soul all of her life, wasn't a baby anymore. And I prayed for her protection in a big, very uncertain world. I wanted to hold on to her and her innocence and never let the world rip it from her as it was ripping her from me right then.

I felt the same way when I saw the back of this big yellow bus. In our lives, we have those defining moments when we learn something that changes us. I am constantly amazed by the depth of love I have for our grandkids and kids and what I learn from them. I see things in them all the time that humble me and make me want to be a better person. Their refining moments refine me. The power of that love of mother to child is divine.

Their experiences bond me to them in ways I never realized they could or would. When they stretch and grow I do too and when they hurt I feel pain along with them, when they feel joy, my heart is bursting too. These feelings can be felt in other relationships, but never quite as keenly as in mother to child. Not even child-to-mother love knows of this power. Of course perhaps, a father's love for his children produces this experience too, but I can only speak of a mother's love through the heart that I know best. The courage that I see in our children and grandchildren makes me feel ashamed of my own fears sometimes. They are amazingly faithful and courageous. That inspires me to face my fears head on.

Spencer James

This very week our grandson, Spencer, has gone off for the first time as well. He is 12 so that probably seems rather strange to a lot of you. But Spencer has a disability that cannot be seen. He is deathly allergic to peanuts and soy. What this means for his parents is they must prepared all his food with caution. They never buy anything that the label isn't checked first because companies change ingredients all the time. Most of his food is made from scratch. (He will undoubtedly be healthier than most through out his life time because of it, right?) He can never eat any purchased treats like chips, cookies, candy or a gelato, or a hamburger. To a child with a peanut allergy eating can bring about unthinkable consequences. You cannot be lax, vigilance is essential 24/7.

Spencer carries an Epipen wherever he goes, he doesn't eat food prepared for parties or church dinners or in any but a couple of thoroughly screened restaurants where he is allowed pasta with butter only. He never travels on a train or plane without precautionary methods needing to be taken.

It is tougher because it is invisible and it enters into every new relationship he ever makes, as explanations and exceptions have to be made. There are emotional issues to be dealt with. I think most people never can imagine this type of thing unless they are faced with its challenges. Food is an issue and central to just about every social thing we seem to do. Imagine always being on your guard.

But this week he went on an outdoor, educational, camping trip with his new friends, at his new school, in another state. He went with every one of his meals packed and ready for him to confidently enjoy, prepared by his diligent mother. That took courage, that took faith. That is inspiring to me. I know that Laura and Robert wrestled with this and had very similar thoughts to what Jen must have when that bus drove away with her baby.

Again I do not know that I could have handled these thing well as a parent. I learn courage through their courageous acts. And I am pretty sure I would not have handled this well as a 12-year-old. There is so much security within the walls of a loving, protective home. When the grandkids are brave, I can be more brave in the things I face or may face in my life. I learn from them all the time.

These are just two examples of those who inspire me to be courageous. There is also James, always working hard and usually in pain as he does it. He just plows through in spite of the consequences physically sometimes. The sacrifices are almost always for someone else. There is also my brother, Steven, bravely enduring his cancer treatments that have been so difficult with his Steve Martin-like looks and sense of humor and a desire to lift the rest of us. That is courage that inspires me.

I have a mental list of those who inspire me to be better. You are probably on that list yourself. Who we eventually become has a lot to do with where we are looking. I am looking to God, and wonderful courageous and inspiring people that help me along my way, every day.

Do you ever think about who inspires you through their courageous living?