Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Valentine Thought About Acceptance

I think men and women spend a good portion of their first years together trying to make their spouse be just like them. I know we did. I wanted Jim to think like me, do what I wanted to do, dream like I did, enjoy what I narcissistic can a person get? I can also remember feeling that same kind of pressure from him. I was always trying to reinvent myself to be more like him. For those of you that know us this probably sounds pretty funny. We are like polar opposites on many, many things. Our personalities are very different. Our marriage has been like mixing water and oil in many ways. We are the quintessential difference between the apple and the orange. We all give lip service to the notion that you cannot change another person but I bet if the truth were known, we have all done our darnest to disprove that one.

He likes one thing, I like another. He likes to camp and hike and take managed, I like the comforts of home and sleeping in a real bed. I detest carrying what I need for survival on my back (seriously carrying pots and pans and food and bedding is fun??) Really? Rarely do I willingly take risks..managed or otherwise. I don't like leaving my comfort zone or safety net much..he doesn't have one. I use to love dancing, but he is not a fan and doesn't even listen to music that much. Me..I have to have it, it is like air to me~ music is a huge part of my life. He is very mechanical and logical and a great leader. I have trouble with anything mechanical, I operate from my emotional base and love to work out of the spotlight.

He is a dash-always running onto the next event, I am a dot. I like to savor an experience before moving on. He has got to be on the go and moving 24~7, I am happiest reading, writing, staying home and I enjoy a balance between activities and relaxing. We both love being busy but our definitions of that are quite different.

So how does this work over 42 years? Does he ever dance? Yes. Do I ever camp? Yes. Have we converted each other...not really. We do it for the other one and that makes it good in spite of itself. You know how the scriptures talk about 'kicking against the pricks, right? You have to stop doing that. God created your spouse and there is no ""do over" that you are in charge of. Accepting that is a major step towards a mature kind of loving relationship.

Mixing and over lapping like a wedding ring quilt~works!

Accept your differences and relish them. There are two for a reason. The synergy of the two of you, both different and wonderful, is what God had in mind when He instituted marriage. You each bring your gifts and talents to the marriage to benefit your family, to learn from each other, to compensate for and lift each other, to be more as two than you could ever be as one. The last thing you should want is to be the same~you diminish your resources by half if you are.

Real love is based on commitment for the long haul, acceptance, and a lot of giving up of the things about ourselves that make us selfish. What makes a marriage strong is working towards unconditional love for our spouse and sharing a life time of experiences. Then you truly become one. What makes all that possible is shared beliefs, goals and vision. It is looking beyond what I want and am and seeing what we can potentially be together. It is loving God and being willing to learn His ways. It is knowing that in marriage, "we" are more important than either one of us individually.

From This Day Forward And Forever
Acceptance =


LA Adams said...

I am so grateful that Hazie is getting better!!!! The Lord is really watching over all of you.

Your thoughts on acceptance is perfect. There is so much fullness in a marriage that has polar opposite halves, - more territory covered.

Sorry I missed the RS fireside, I picked up Jeffrey from airport and didn't make it. I'll bet they did a great job and it would have been really nice to hear. ^-^ Have a good one!

Bonnie said...

Laura wrote:

"I loved, loved, loved your post on acceptance but Mom, you can't lie in blog posts! You implied that you go camping (as in you have done it on several occassion) and well that is simply not true. I can only remember one time in my 32 years that you have ever been camping and it was for about 10 hours on Mt Diablo. That does not count. Not that I think camping is essential. I would love you just the same if you had never been camping. I just thought it was funny.

Anyway, on a more serious note. I did love your post. I think the Vday themed one are timely and important.

Love you lots and lots,


Bonnie said...

My reply to Laura!

You are cracking me up, Lou Lou!

I said have I gone camping..yes I have. Twice in Canada, twice with you-once with your sibling and once with your husband and kids, remember??) , one ward camp out and I am sure at least another time or two. At least 6 times in the 42 years. Has Dad danced? You can count them on two hands and maybe a toe or two. We did take a few dance classes and I will admit he like dancing a lot more than I liked camping.

Repent Laura...I was not lying! Remember I said did we convert each not really! Geeesh!

Your Mom

Sue said...

Loved, loved your post. How can I send it to my children. It's such an important concept it's too bad it takes 30+ years to figure it out and be at peace with it.

Bonnie said...

Hi Sue, How fun that you made it over here. Just go the to the top of this page and highlight the url in the address box. Highlight it and then Copy it from your edit box on the toolbar and paste it into an e-mail.

You can also do the same thing from the link on the Facebook status update from today

Or they can just come over to my blog by putting in in their own url address box. But the post changes daily so they will have to go back to today's date by clicking on older post at the end of the current post if they do it tomorrow.

I am glad you liked the post...I am going to do several between now and Valentine's Day just for fun. And you are right, it is sad that it takes so long to figure this one out.

Deanna said...

I read this post and of course started bawling right away. But not to fear...I also laughed because I agree with you about refusing carrying pots and pans on my back! I'm feeling the fingers getting ready to start typing my thoughts on Timeless. We'll see how the next few days go..

I enjoyed our talk tonight. You lifted me and I thank you for that Bonnie. Love you!

Deanna :D

Bonnie said... are too cute. I am so happy we could talk tonight. You lifted me too. Just get on that blog of yours and vent away. It's healthy! Make it private if you want to, I'll listen. Take care, birthday twin!

Faye said...

Bonnie - your insights are so dead on. I am amazed at how much you can write. It is like writing a talk for church - every day! Wow!!! It makes me overwhelmed just thinking about it - this is YOUR gift! Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

Bonnie said...

Faye, thank you! I find it very compelling to write everyday, I just have to do it. It may be more an addiction than a gift...but thank you. It is like someone uncorked this well spring of thoughts and words and things I need to is odd but I do enjoy it so much. It is funny to discover these odd things about ourselves as we evolve into older beings.

I know my typing teacher from high school would rollover in his grave if he knew how much of it I do each day considering I was so lousy at it in school. Who else do you know who can boast of straight A's and a D? Truth is stranger than fiction sometimes! thanks for commenting!

Bonnie said...

Jen's Mother-In-Law, Mary Jane wrote:

"Dear Bonnie--I have to write and express thanks & admiration, again, for your ability to express yourself in 'the written word'. Love your Valentine article on your blog. It is so true for most married, couples I think, if not most, for many. I read it to RWS and he loved it as well--then we both had the same thought. We think you should send it to the Ensign and see if it would be accepted for publication. Just generally, for publication, or they have another arts contest annually (which I think the deadline is sometime this month) which includes several areas--music, paintings, and some written materials; poetry, for example, and I am not sure if there is a general topic genre or not but would be neat if so. At any rate, THANKS again for sharing.

We are all so grateful for Hazel's improvement, and for the Lord's tender mercies in answer to the many prayers, including those in the temple. Love to you and Jim. Mary Jane

Bonnie said...

Gosh, Mar, thanks so much. Give that Valentine of yours a squeeze from us, OK?

Caroline Craven said...

Your blog was great and Laura's comment made me laugh and then your reply to her comment made me laugh too. I love the picture of the ring in the scriptures and then the shadow making a heart - very interesting concept there. Thank you so much for the comments you left on my soap blog. It's good to know someone out there is reading it. Your support is so deeply appreciated. I haven't thought much about a home party, but am willing to give that some thought. I love the product I share, but I'm weak on marketing and just keep telling myself it takes time, which it does, but I can always use some good ideas. I am so happy to read that Hazie is so much improved today - that also put a smile on my face. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in you blog. It does give the rest of us inspiration.