Conflict of Interest

This morning I really need to get busy on the house we are staging tomorrow. One thing I do is take a lot of pictures and then make a plan for each room so that by the time the team arrives at the house we know what we will be doing. I need to go down to the warehouse and pull all the inventory that we are taking, after I figure that all out on paper and I also need to meet the delivery truck with the rental furniture that is being delivered to the property this morning.

This is a lot to wrap my head around while trying to deal with our Baby Halo and her constant illness. These are the things running through my head~maybe if I write it down it will help.

1. I am as worried about Jen and Lowell as I am about Hazel. My eyes have been opened in ways I never imagined before about what is is like to have a tiny baby with problems that make you feel so helpless. This is probably one of the biggest challenges a person could face in their life. It has helped us be so grateful for the health of all the other kids and to not take that for granted ever. We pray for their health and safety every single day. It has increased our love for all of them and everyone else and it has shown us a love for a little baby we never dreamed we would experience. This love nearly stretches your heart to its limits. I wonder how many pounds of credit Weight Watchers would give you for a large and heavy heart filled with love? It could be measured as your goal weight handicap or something?

These are for you, Jen-Jen!

2. I think we all have reconciled ourselves to the fact that Hazel has a serious disability that will require much from her and us in the years to come. I think we all know she can do it and she can have a great life in a wheelchair. What is really hard for me is that she is sick also. She needs to have her strength and to feel good so she can function and progress in her development. And because we all love her so much we just want her to be feeling well. It is the same frustration I felt when my mom had brain surgery, needed rehab and couldn't do anything productive because she broke 13 bones from falling the first 6 months. You just want it fixed and you can't really do much but develop more compassion.

3. I have learned in these situations that prayer is the only thing that really helps. It helps the person you are praying for and it helps you as you pray. One thing that bugs me is that we always hear people say..."All you can do is pray." To me that implies it really isn't much, but give it a go. To me it is very much a big thing and should be our first, not last resort. So that is what I really want to do today. Just stay home and ponder and pray. But today I am in for a stretching. Because I have a lot of people depending on me~I have to go and do my work and try to be creative. I need to pray for a new mindset before I can even get dressed.

4. I really want to be in Utah but I have to be here right now. I really want to just lay on Jen's big bed with her in my arms telling her things will be OK. I want to just hold little Hazel and kiss it all better. I want to help them with the daily burdens of everyday life so they can have more time to ponder and pray and find some renewal. We plan to be going on July 2 but right now that doesn't feel soon enough.

5. This burden cannot be dealt with alone. We need the Lord, your prayers and a lot of faith. We know He is there for us and we trust in His will for our family. And as the old saying goes...if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. So trudge ahead we must and we will. Thank you for letting me dump this out on the pages of the blog so I can see it more clearly. I am feeling better already just knowing that it is not my job to fix this, it is instead my job to ask God for help and let Him do His job~having complete faith that He will, in His own way and with His own time table. So once again the blessing that Hazel received the other night proves to be the way we have been shown to deal with this...in faith with plenty of patience and hope for a positive outcome. We know He loves her even more than we do which seems nearly impossible but I know it is true. Upward and onward then!

These are for you, Baby Halo!